Admissions Essay - Sacrifice and Family
Published in Writing Samples on 7/2/2007
This is a before and after look at one student's attempt to discuss the value of sacrifice and the importance of family.
I have always believed that family is the most important thing in the world. I come from a really huge family. I have seven brothers and sisters and then there is my Mom and Dad too. And that's not even counting aunts and uncles. There are two brothers and a sister that are older than me and the other four are younger. My Mom says that we have such a large family because we are Catholic and are blessed. I like being the middle child. I dont have all the responsibility of the older kids but I still get to tell my younger brothers and sisters what to do just like I am always being told what to do. Of the brothers and sister that are older than me, none of them have gone to college. My sister is married and a cosmotologist and my two brothers work in construction. They all seem to enjoy what they do, especially my sister who is such a great artist with her scissors and brushes but they all seem to think that I should go to college.My aunts and uncles too really want me to go to college. They are even older than my brothers and sister and I've noticed a connection between how old people are and how much importance they place on me getting a college education. That seems strange to me because the older people never even went to school at all and they seem ok. I guess its a case of the older generation wanting the younger generation to do better than they did.
But the two people who are the most excited about me going to college are my father and mother. My dad is a mechanic and my mom is a nursing aid. We moved to the United States from Honduras when I was four years old. They both really love America and consider it their home. They want me to do well and to raise a big family of mine own so they can be grandparents.
I really want to go to college too. I want everyone in my family to be proud of me, the first college graduate in the family. I sometimes daydream about what it will feel like. In my dreams I am always wearing a scarlet cap and gown and holding some kind of speech where I get to thank everyone that helped me. It's a long list.
If I am accepted at your University, I promise to be the best student and person I can be. I look forward to all the opportunities and challenges I will face.
This essay is an attempt to desribe what it's like/why it's important to be the first person in a family to attend college. While it has it's strengths, overall it rambles and does not succeed at getting any one idea across. More importantly, it contains almost no information about the applicant, choosing instead to discuss the ideas and viewpoints of other members of her family. After speaking to the client, it was decided that the focus of the revised essay would be the value of sacrifice and how it will help her succeed at college and at life. The essay that appears below is the end-result of a rough draft process that included five revisions.
One of the starkest memories I have from childhood is of the windy, rain-drenched night that my family and I began our journey from Honduras to the United States. I was not yet five but I somehow seemed to pick up on the seriousness of the occassion. Something was in the air that suggested this was no ordinary vacation. We would not be returning home with sunburns and happy memories. We would not be returning.
What saved this experience from being even more terrifying was the strength and courage of my parents. They were leaving behind everything they had known all their lives – friends, careers, the ghosts of loved ones- just so that my siblings and I could live a better life. The journey taught me many things and although I was just a child, I believe this is when I slowly started to mature into the person I am today. I learned about compassion, love and sacrifice. I learned the value of believing in yourself and the value of helping others. I can not now imagine my life without that journey.
Now that I am finishing high-school and starting the next phase of my life, I am more convinved than ever of the importance of the values I learned in my extreme youth. I wish to honor the memory of my parents by being an example for others. I know from experiece the benefit of having someone around to show you by example that there is more to life than your own hedonistic pleasure. I wish to be this example. Not because I think the world needs my shining morality to set it straight but because this is the only way I know to give back to society part of the riches I have received. Having learned early the value of self-sacrifice, I now wish to immerse myself in a culture of higher-learning and community-mindedness.
When I graduate from college, I will be the first person in my family to have done so. This will be a great honor for me and my family. It will allow me to pursue my goal which is to teach at the high-school level.What motivates me is the ability to open young minds to the beauty of the world around them, to teach them the value of sacrifice and of helping others. I also hope that by being the first in my family to graduate from college, my younger brothers and sisters will also be encouraged to follow their dreams.
I have often daydreamed about what graduation day will feel like. In my dreams, I am wearing a cap and gown and clutching some sort of speech where I get to thank everyone that helped me. It's a long list. If I'm really lucky maybe one day I'll be thanked in some young graduate's speech. That would sure make my parents smile.
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